Put a Tranny in Your Toilet, and Save the Earth
- humour by Daryl Makk

Conserve water, go green, save the planet. We have all heard the message that we must be more environmentally friendly. Many of us want to, but don’t know how.

In the interest of finding solutions, I booked a trip to Australia because it is easier to do research in a warm climate. I was sure that going somewhere with little fresh water and a hot climate would make me use my car less. And I was right. I have not had to fill up my car nor idle it to warm up the engine since I am already being more environmentally friendly.

Water is one of the necessities of life, yet, quite often we waste water on silly things. Take plants for example. Vegetable gardens and fruit trees are huge consumers of the precious liquid and a good reason for the invention of steak. A better use of water is to filter it, add the right ingredients and improve it. We call this beer. As any male can tell you, this is the nectar of the gods. Luckily, Australia has its fair share.

The problem with beer is you just rent it. Your body uses the nutrients in beer to help you build one big abdominal muscle. Abs come in two types, six packs and kegs. After that, the rest has to be disposed of. What method did we come up with? A toilet that uses several litres of perfectly good water to flush it. Mathematically, most people can see the problem with this. If we keep using our precious water to dispose of a few drops of body waste, soon we will have no water left for beer (pronounced bee-eah by the Aussies, by the way).

No wonder the environmentalists are in an uproar. Fear not, our friends have a solution down under.

Aussies love their cars as much as we do. Ingeniously, they have applied some of the mechanical principles of an automobile to their plumbing. They have put a two-speed option on their dunnies. When visiting the loo, you have the option of two levels of flushes. (You might be interested to learn that loo is an Aussie name for toilet that means: the Aussie named Lou that installed it. They spell it differently for his privacy I believe.)

Lou gave them the half flush, for things like beer visits, or the full flush, which I call the overdrive dunny gear, for bigger jobs, such as the steak that goes with beer. Now, you can select the right amount of water needed.

The best part is, unlike their cars, they drive their dunny from the same side as we do. There is no need getting used to controls being all backwards. All you need to decide is, “Is this a first or second-gear flush?”

The other way that Aussies help with the environment is with drive-thru liquor stores. Saving all that wear and tear on parking the car, walking in and then restarting the car and having to re-cool it in the blistering hot sun. That uses a lot of fuel, which is bad for the environment.

The clever blokes have made covered, carport drive-thru liquor stores. Now they can rest coolly in the shade while someone loads up the beer. Imagine the eco-pleasure of knowing you can rest easy and have helped save the environment, yet still be fat, lazy and drink beer! Coupled with the two-speed dunny back at the flat (that is another Aussie term that means “place to keep your dunny”) you can be as green as ever.

One of Australians’ favorite pastimes is a game called Cricket. Imagine lawn bowling crossed with baseball and you can get a hint of what the game is about. The odd thing is, the game can take days to play. Being a season ticket holder may require you to quit your job because the innings stretch into weeks. This is a clever way the Aussies cut down on commuter traffic, as many people are still in the bleachers, watching and not creating annoying rush hour traffic.

One would think such a long game would be boring, but – luckily – beer companies sponsor many of the matches. This ensures that the eco-friendly liquid is available at the game to keep the fans occupied. This also guarantees the two-speed dunny effect is always present to save water.

I think we can learn a few things from the Aussies to save our corner of the planet. The two-speed dunny should be brought in without delay and a beer sponsored sport should be invented to rival cricket. We could take curling and merge it with cross-country skiing. We can call it curlski (or some other government sanctioned name). That way, as the game went into extra ends (or innings, or two-fours, or whatever we call them) one of the players could zip down to a ski-thru vendor and pick up more beer, thus completing the environmental cycle.

Who would have thought saving the planet could be so easy and fun? Don’t thank me, thank the Australians.

Daryl Makk is a stand-up comic/actor/writer/thinker.

Daryl’s website is www.darylmakk.com